Undirected letter to you

    I'm not sure how I can start this. I know there comes a part when I'm writing where I get the flow of things, even if sometimes when I'm done the end of the text doesn't match the beginning and I find myself reading a bunch of unsettled ideas. But I have not written anything in ages, and today I felt like I had a reason to do so. I couldn't waste the opportunity, even when I have a load of homework waiting for me. I can even feel it looking at me impatiently. I lately find myself scared to write what I think and feel. Maybe because I come across the thought that I haven't written about anything interesting or of actual matter to the world in a long time; even about my career, not even for school. But it's not like people read this, and it's not like you will either, and that's probably another of the reasons (and perhaps the strongest of them) of why I'm writing this today.

"We sometimes cannot understand why a person sees us like they do". That thought came across me this morning, only followed by another thought turning the situation. That  made me understand, not fully, but widely. A person will see us in their own way only. They cannot see us like we do because they are simply not us and never will be. But you see, sometimes we are so frustrated when a person can't see our flaws the way we do, when a person believes in us in a way we can't, when the person sees so many good things in us, some not even mentioned before, and we believe that they're on some kind of drug or something. And I say this because it's happened to me both ways.  I’ve had great ideas about people and they’ve told me “I’m not that great, I’m a regular person.” But I remembered that there are times where I’ve been the one to get really frustrated when people say to see good things about me, and I’ve tried with great effort to show them the opposite. I know, crazy shit, but at the moment I get so frustrated and can't help thinking things like: "you hardly know me at all, so how would you know?". We're so scared about letting people in because we are afraid that they will eventually see our flaws the way we do. The thing is: they never will.

   We usually use the term "blinded" when a person can't see something in somebody else that is obvious. And yes, there are times when it's true. "He's so blinded by her that he doesn't realize that she is cheating", that is one of many very common examples. The thing is, a person is not "blinded" at times, they just see us with their eyes, and we're so frustrated because they can't see us with ours.  "How can she not see I'm a mess?!” “How can he not see I can hurt him?!" It's not that people don't know our flaws, it's not that people are stupid and don't know what's good for them; it's just they also see things we can't because we are not them. Sounds kind of hard to understand, but it's pretty simple actually. Think of it this way: we are so open minded in this era about the freedom of opinion and ideas when it comes to politics, religion, sports, art or science, only to mention the usual ones. Yet we are so closed to the way people perceive other people. Ever thought about it?

    So here it comes: I don't know why it is I feel this way. I know I can get hurt, every person has the power to hurt you or nobody has the power to hurt you, you can choose to see it either way. I know that there is a risk of things not working, there always is a percentage of failure in any type of situation in life, business, bets, games, interviews, everything. I know that we all have our flaws, but I also know that we are the hardest judges when it comes to self-perception. I know we all have a dark side and side of light, a good side and a bad side, a primitive being and a reasoning one, or whichever classification you like best. Every single one of us. 
I know that there are times when the bad side can reign the good one, but there are also times when the good will reign the bad. It's all 50/50 when it comes to people, because we are not permanent. We flow with life. One day things are one way and another day they change, sometimes even in a matter of seconds. The thing is, we complicate things way too much. People, we have this problem or obsession about classifying everything and everyone without realizing that we will all do it in a different way. And we are so frustrated by trying to understand and by overthinking that we forget to just enjoy what we have there and in that moment. To feel comfortable with someone, to feel like you can do anything, to put your every bit of hope into thinking that whatever it is, it's the right thing in that precise moment, even if afterwards it isn't because like I said: things change.

    All I know is right now I feel this way. And even after trying, that feeling isn't going away. And I realize it is probably because right now it's not supposed to go away. And I just think that instead of taking the risk, we are wasting time. We are wasting time we could be enjoying over fear of hurting. Of hurting ourselves, of hurting other people. We fear to hurt badly over the idea of loss if things don't work. And in the process we are half enjoying, half hurting for longer time, instead of trying and fully enjoying for maybe a shorter or longer period of time. Or fully hurting for a shorter period, but doing either one fully. And yes, things will not always be peachy, but what ever is? And what part of it is peachy now? Half doing things is eventually going to crack us because we are in a limbo. And if we keep fearing to go down a great path, a path of fully feeling everything, a path of knowing we are fully risking it, we will just be suffering for a longer period of time by not deciding, not enjoying, not hurting, by just being there. Expecting. Waiting for a sign, waiting for a miracle or something that we can justify ourselves with so we don't take responsibility. We just hesitate playing with destiny, leaving our fate to it, blaming things on it. Yet we know that if we don't have the guts, blaming destiny will not ease the thought of never knowing what could've happened. 

    So I'd rather take it. I'd rather have that, the fully feeling, the fully enjoying, the fully knowing it's a risk experience, the maybe even fully unstable path where you sometimes don't know what to do or where to go, but you at least know you're going down that path and that you decided. I rather have all that than to be stuck there, half doing things and eventually breaking down into fully hurting. I'd rather take the risk of knowing that in the moment it was the right path, the one that made me feel amazing, even if later on it becomes a memory or a lesson.